The First Touch
The First touch, El Primer Toque, اللّمسة الأولى, первое прикосновение, Den Første Berøring documents the different ways in which survivors of sexual assault and/or rape have had their privacy violated. When asked “Where did they first touch you?”, many responded with various areas of their bodies where they had been left with a permanent mark. I decided to photograph these areas to bring awareness to the fact that sexual assault and rape are not bound by gender, sexual orientation, or race. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what you were wearing, or how you look; it can happen to anyone. The title has been translated across several languages to represent the various cultures and backgrounds of the people photographed - this is because your place of origin does not matter; you are still susceptible to the same hardships. Because this is such an intimate topic, I wanted to protect anonymity for any person who wanted to remain unknown. Therefore, names have not been shown unless the survivor has chosen otherwise. As a college student, party culture is extremely prevalent, which is usually associated with incidents of sexual assault. I wanted to create this project to start conversations on my college campus as to how sexual assault survivors have to live their lives after they have been taken advantage of. After getting so many requests from students who had survived these hardships, I decided to open up the project to include anyone that has been assaulted whether it be at college or anywhere else. When trying to portray how different everyone’s experience is, I had a little trouble trying to figure out how I could make everyone feel comfortable while also making them want to participate. It was a lot of awkward questions, anxious waiting, and vulnerability, and it became something beautiful that didn’t push anyone’s boundaries, which is exactly what I was going for.
“December 1st, 2017 is the night everything was taken away from me. I was a senior in high school and became curious about the party lifestyle. I asked my best friend of 5 years if he would smoke weed with me for my first time since I wanted to be with someone I trusted. I had never touched weed in my life, so I was hoping he would help me have a good first experience. He manipulated me into taking so many hits that I ended up passing out. He raped me while I was unconscious, and left me to go get ice cream with his friends.
Trying to come to terms with what has happened to me has been one of the most difficult feats of my life. It took me a really long time to be able to look in the mirror and see a survivor I love instead of a victim I despise. I now understand that healing is not linear, but progress is consistently made. The emptiness from my assault will never fully go away, but everyday I realize how many healthy ways I have to cope and the amount of friends I have supporting me. I am not what has happened to me and I never will be. Instead, I am a girl who loves climbing mountains and screaming her favorites songs in the car and bike rides and horror movies and learning and loving and laughing and everything else in between and for me, that is enough.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 17
“When you are as young, oblivious to the gaze of men, the trauma does not manifest until later. To all those who know, you can rise above.”
- Kam
Age when sexually assaulted: 6
“After that night, I couldn’t leave my room. After that night, I couldn’t be around any men. After that night, I couldn’t stop feeling his hands on my body. After that night, I didn’t feel clean even after I showered. And showered. And showered. After that night, I couldn’t drink lime White Claws, because that’s what was on his breath. After that night, I made sure to always wear shorts to parties instead of skirts. Skirts provide easier access. After that night, I made sure to never “flirt” with a guy I didn’t really know, so that I didn’t give him any expectations. After that night, I’ve never really felt the same, always knowing that I gave a part of myself to someone who I didn’t want to give it to. Someone is walking around with parts of me that I didn’t consent to giving…
… After that night, I still see him around campus. After that night, I have never spoken to him again, never even acknowledged him, and he does the same. After that night, there are songs I can’t listen to, drinks I can’t have, clothes I can’t wear, and a part of me I’ll never get back.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 13, 17, 19, and 20
“These pictures remind me of a long ago experience that remains a part of me, that has changed me. From what had happened that day it took me many months to work through and even a year or so after I still had moments of unwarranted shame. I remember that day I showered to wash away the feeling, the feeling of those hands all over me. I had scrubbed my skin raw to get any trace off of me. My body felt so different after that experience, like I had lost a piece of myself that day. My body had never been controlled like that before. But this is when I found out that I wanted to reclaim my body for myself. By being forced into being so uncomfortable about my body after that experience I had to temporarily shut a part of myself away. I was no longer able to express myself through my body; this meant that I could no longer wear the clothes I wanted, wear the makeup I wanted, my whole expression was limited. This was so hard for me and there was nothing I could do for a long time. There were so many triggers that I had to learn to deal with. There were so many new boundaries I needed to set for myself. There were romantic encounters that I could not pursue and I was scared because what if it happened again? But just as these thoughts had started their vicious grasp on my mind, I learned that I needed to let go. I needed to reclaim my body for myself. I grieved for the loss of my body for months, but I had done my time. I needed to be able to express myself again. I needed to grace my body with the love I deserved. I didn’t want to cut my expression out of my life, I needed that part of myself in order to enjoy life again. So, after I had grieved for myself, this meant I could grow again. Now I let my clothes express the love and appreciation I have for my body and I know that my expression can also serve as my freedom from that day. I will not let that moment control me, I promise myself that I should not feel shame for that day, that moment was not my fault, and no one should ever feel as though it was. Perpetrators of sexual harassment are the people that should be held accountable. But if you don’t know where to start on your healing process give yourself the time to let your body heal. I felt my body grieve for my own loss and it truly broke my heart, but after giving myself that time I was able to more strongly hold my own body in my hands. Love yourself and your body, because they both love you.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 16, 18
My goal is to alarm whoever sees these images. I wanted a mysterious and creepy vibe to indicate that the people in the photographs are uncomfortable with what they have experienced. When you see a handprint on someone’s body you immediately think, “what happened? What’s wrong?” I want these images to provoke that. There is a permanent weight that everyone who participated in this project carries. They will forever remember where they were touched and how that made them feel. They will remember where it happened, what they were wearing, and asking why it had to be them.
“When I was sexually assaulted as a child and my parents found out it was swept under the rug so that my parents could feel less shame. It wasn’t easy after that day; I was basically victim blamed by them especially by my mother. She has said all types of things to me after the assault. Her words and the assault have shaped me into a person that is broken. Slowly but surely, I started to have sexual fantasies since elementary school. I was in the 5th grade and I could remember thinking about sex as I sat in class listening to my teacher talk. This of course doesn’t stop, and I still fantasize about sex even now as I write my statement. I would talk about sex a lot with my friends and even though they just laugh at it, sometimes I can feel that they’re annoyed by me talking about it so much.
I’ve never had sex before and I’ve only done a few sexual things in my life, but this made my mind more curious as to how sex feels and living in a society that praises and shames sex culture didn’t really help me to not think about sex. I didn’t know how to control or properly express my sexuality and when I had a crush on a boy, I would try to throw myself at them and by throw, I mean trying to have sex with them. Of course, this wasn’t always the case, at first when I had crushes on boys it was pretty innocent just a simple crush. When I told them, I liked them I was always rejected and that made me feel bad to the point of being insecure.
When I got to high school it just became toxic for me as I would openly talk sexually to my crushes and it would make them laugh and feel creeped out by me. This would add on to internalized hatred for myself. College wasn’t so different but luckily, I was able to catch myself… after I was embarrassed again. This assault and other factors have done a lot damage to me but now as I get older and with the help of the people who have helped me to recover, I have slowly gained control of my sexuality. I still think about sex and I’m probably going to still think about it for a very long time, but I’ll still be finding myself and trying to become a better person for me.”
- Akillya
Age when sexually assaulted: 6-9
“It didn’t take much.
It may still not.
But as I collect myself by the window there’s an understanding of fear.
And I close my eyes in love for those who shine a different light on my skin.
The mailbox outside is filling up, the clothesline rotting.
I should have screamed but the mask of shame laid heavy it may still, but the stars and rivers settle my stomach.
And I forget the remembered only to remember the forgotten. The snake lingers longer on my throat, the steps up to the house fading.
Are you ok? can be enough sometimes. otherwise, nothing is.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 6-10
“I didn’t realize how much that night would affect me until much later on. I didn’t know what had happened to me right away, or even any time soon after it happened. It took a lot of thinking about it and the issue I had with it for me to fully understand what took place at that party. I remember having an issue with it when it happened, but I didn’t really know why, and I thought that what had happened was fine even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I agreed to a kiss, so I thought I was in the wrong. But what I didn’t agree to, was the way she touched me and how she continued to kiss me after I had tried to pull away. I agreed to a kiss after feeling pressure from her to do so, but I didn’t ask for the sleepless nights thinking about it and the stress that thinking about it caused me because I thought I was overreacting. That is how I knew it was trauma and that something wrong had happened to me. “
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 17
“The first time it happened I was too young. Every girl is too young to experience such violence from a man when she hasn’t yet to discover what it means to be a woman and have agency over her own body. As sad as it sounds, my story is not a new one and throughout the years the more I learned about sex and consent the more I realized what I had experienced was not normal. I was 6 years old when my mother forced me to call a man I knew was not my family dad. I was 7 years old when that same man forced me to watch pornography on VHS tapes while my mom worked her factory job. He would sneak into my bed early in the morning right after my mom left for work and ask me why I had been bad. When I got my first period it disgusted me to hear him tell me I was a woman and that I should be careful not to tempt men. I was 9 years old when I lied about getting my period. Hoping that if he thought I could get pregnant, he would leave me alone. Thoughts a small girl should never have to imagine when around people she calls family. It was my 10th birthday when to my relief I had actually gotten my period and didn’t have to lie to my mom about it. By the time I was 16 I thought I had made all of it up in my head. I had completely blocked out all memories of everything bad that happened to me as a small child and by 18 I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I thought that was normal when he threatened to hurt me if I said anything to my mother. I thought everyone learned about sex through their fathers. That man was not my father and that man touched me in more ways than I can explain without triggering myself all over again. It sent me down a path of ignorance. My mind protected itself by refusing to see the bad in anything and anyone. As long as I was the only one getting hurt, I didn’t care. I never had a father. I never had a mother that protected me and now as an adult, they all pretend like it never happened…
… My family hides behind the idea that things have changed and that things are better but closure for them is easy. Closure for them is saying ‘I’m sorry, that was the past and we can’t go back and change it.’ It’s nice to see that they can move forward while I still have nightmares and flashbacks of the only male figure that was supposed to protect me sneaking into my room at night. The worst is when I find men who love me and I sabotage the relationship thinking they will hurt me or there is no possible way a man can love me without hurting me. My family gets closure while I get to sit here with the memories and no evidence aside from my flashbacks, panic attacks, and lost sleep. None of that holds up in a court of law and the fear that my family will never forgive me if I were to go forward and press charges as an adult is what stops me from speaking up. He touched me. He touched me below, around, and inside. Emotionally and physically he broke me at an age when the only thing I was supposed to know was innocence. Now I hope to never be quiet about my story because it matters. This is common and difficult to talk about but I refuse to play pretend like my family did all those years.”
- Lewinski
Age when sexually assaulted: 6 -13
This project was created with the survivors’ comfortability in mind. I never did anything they didn’t want me to do. I told them they could take a step back from the project if they wanted to, and they could remain anonymous if they wished. If they didn’t feel comfortable taking portraits, they didn’t have to, and if they didn’t want to show skin, it wasn’t mandatory. I had them write about their experiences as a way to reflect on how far they’ve come, and their words are partnered with their photos. I also had them hand write letters in red ink addressed to their abuser. This idea came to me sort of as a last-minute step. It was something I came up with to capture the intent of the color red. Red, in this modern day and age, is very often used to portray sexual maturity and sexual desire.
“My rape completely changed my life and outlook on life instantly. Before my rape I was a trusting, open, outgoing person, but after it happened, I had a really hard time being as trusting and open for an extremely long time. Like many survivors I was ashamed and disgusted with myself and I remember thinking, how could I have let this happen? I pushed down all my feelings, masked how I truly felt, and didn’t tell people what had happened. Without help from anyone I had to pick myself up and keep pushing on with life, trying to put what happened behind me. Coming into college a few weeks after I was raped, I didn’t realize how strong I would become. I had to pick myself up and act stronger than I was, even though I was really breaking inside, because I didn’t want my new friends to know the baggage I carried. In the years following my rape I can truly see how far I have come. The situation that completely broke me three years ago has turned me into the strong, confident, independent women that I am today. That being said, it is still extremely hard for me at times as flashbacks and nightmares are a common occurrence among survivors. Everyone knows that survivors carry the trauma with them their whole lives, but only people who have experienced this type of violence and invasiveness truly understand how it can shatter your life like a rock hitting a mirror. No one else is going to pick up the sharp, jagged pieces that may continue to hurt you, you have to find the strength to do that yourself.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 18
“That night changed everything for me, it changed how I looked at myself, the world and my relationship with others. For about 2 months I wasn’t able to put in words what had happened to me even though I knew deep inside me that it was not okay. He told our friends that it was a one-night thing, he was able to tell the story, no questions asked and no one came to me to ask if his story was true. I was not able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgust and hate towards myself, how did I let him treat me like that? Was it my fault for trusting him? He was like family to me, he had known me for over 2 years and I trusted he would respect me, but he did not.
During the past two years, I have been able to grow from this experience, I’ve realized how important is to have a support system to catch you when you fall. I’m still working on building trust in myself and others. I became kinder to myself and others, I honor my pain and I’m constantly working to heal. Everyone has a story that has hurt them and it is important to remember that whenever we go places, the way we carry ourselves, matters, it can be the reason why someone feels comfortable or not. My experience as a survivor has allowed me to see the violence and evil around me but has also shown me a way to cope and hopefully grow from it. However, I don’t want to romanticize sexual violence, it is horrible and dehumanizing, I want to honor and aknowledge how survivors cope and live in different ways, not everyone experiences the “after” as I did, not everyone has a support system and not everyone survives to tell their story.”
- Fernanda
Age when sexually assaulted: 19
“It took me a while to realize what had happened to me and a long time to accept it. It is a moment that marks a before and after. It has quietly affected every corner of my head and I know it is something that will always be there. Some days it hurts more than others, some days it doesn’t go through my head but other days it paralyzes me. I try every day to resist from every corner of my body and soul to keep resisting when the memory returns.
No one understands but me.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 17-18
“I never knew that something like this would happen to me, until it happened. I met someone online, and we had a lot of things in common and after getting to know each other, I thought “Finally, looks like I found my person”. Risking getting Covid, I decided to have him come over one night at around 1am. And the first night was great, we stayed in my yard until 6am as I could not bring him inside the house. After that first night I was convinced that I had found someone special. After texting and facetimimg for a week, I decided to have him over again. He really wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t too convinced by the idea. After some smooth talk I gave in. We started having sex and it started to be painful. After a few minutes I asked him to stop. I figured he didn’t hear me. I started to speak louder and louder. “No”, “Stop”, “This is hurting me, please stop”. Louder and louder. You’d think that if you’re having sex with someone and they hear you in pain, they’d stop. Well, so did I. He flipped me over on my stomach, pressed my head down against the floor of our shed and kept going, harder and harder. I went numb, silent. All I could feel was his hand on my head and the movement of my body up and down against the cold wood floorboards. He stayed next to me until he left at around 7am. That morning I had to pretend like nothing happened with my family. I blacked out that horrible episode of my life. I ghosted him a few days after. He would try to call me almost every day for a month and a half, threatened to show up at my house and even go to the cops. All I did wrong was placing my trust in him. He eventually stopped trying to reach me and I was relieved. But I never thought about it again, in my mind, it never happened. That experience was so traumatic for me that my brain decided to hide it deep, where I couldn’t think about it. It wasn’t until 6 months later that I had registered what happened. At the start of the semester I met someone very special and things were going amazing. He showed me what it feels like to be loved, trusted, and understood. He taught me, and still is teaching me, what it means to love someone. So obviously, we wanted to have sex, and we tried for a few weeks, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t enjoying it. We’d always start, but after a few minutes I had to stop. One night, we were trying to have sex again, and all of the flashbacks poured back into my brain and took me back to the cold wood planks from my shed. I broke down, I couldn’t move. It wasn’t until that moment, almost 6 months later, that I realized that I had something taken away from me.”
- Ryann
Age when sexually assaulted: 20
Many of the survivors in this project, were children when their innocence was taken from them. They are not sexually mature and my project reveals this sick and twisted reality. Talking about sexual assault is not a comfortable experience for anyone, but it is necessary for everyone. Don’t shy away from topics that disturb you, be willing to talk about things that make you uneasy because it is the only way that we will be able to move ahead. This project means a lot to me, and I hope these survivor’s stories will leave a permanent mark on your mind and heart.
“Starting my freshman year, I was assaulted, stalked, and harrassed by an upperclassman. When I first got assaulted, I didn’t report it. This is because I thought that it was and would remain an isolated incident and it wasn’t worth getting into all the hassle of reporting. The next couple times it happened, I thought, “This is how it is in college, women get minorly assaulted everyday”. However, what happened to me was wrong and no means NO. My boundaries were not respected and my situation started to get worse and escalated until I didn’t feel safe on campus. This is when I stopped making excuses for the inappropriate behavior of my assaulter and spoke up to the university. The process has been one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do. There are a lot of emotions that you feel when you go through this process: strong, vulnerable, anger, sadness, unworthy, worthless, and more. However, I know that my assaulter needs to be held accountable for their actions and I want to do everything I can to help other potential victims. A good support system is vital when going through this process and I want to encourage anyone going through it to reach out to the Renewal House (315) 379-9845.
If you have been assaulted, do what you feel comfortable with: whether that is just talking about your story with a trusted individual or reporting it to the authorities, but speak and live your truth. That is yours. Please know there are people who will listen to you, believe you, and support you even if it’s not administration. Remember to not make the same mistakes as me and don’t make excuses for the inappropriate behavior of others. If the first touch was impactful to you, don’t ignore your urge to say something. Your body means your rules and no means NO.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 18
“When I was assaulted, I was still a child and at the time I was never told what sexual assault or rape is, so I never knew until years later that what happened to me was assault. I became depressed and was scared to leave my house, and if I wanted to go somewhere I never went alone. Until I was 17, I never told anyone because I was embarrassed and convinced myself since they were family, that it had to be my fault. After I told my parents, my mom did become protective and sometimes she blamed my clothes, and she asked some of her coworkers what she could do and they told me to keep it quiet because nobody would believe me. After that I tried to forget what happened to me, but I was around them again, and they tried touching me in front of my friend. Afterwards that friend has always been supportive, and I finally cut off that family member, but I do still see them when they come to my house to help my dad with something. Up to this day, I still get flashbacks to the events that have happened to me especially when I first came to college. I do believe the assault has affected my relationships even years after the assault because I am scared something will happen again, so I try not to get too close to people. Lastly, I try to use my experiences as motivation to help others who went through similar situations.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 5-12
“Before I was pretty ignorant to the world around me and the dangers that came with being female. I saw the world through my 14 year old eyes and boys were exciting and new and I was in my first “relationship”. After I thought it was my fault. I did not want to tell my boyfriend because I had “cheated” on him and I was worried what he might think. After a few years I realized it was not my fault and that this was likely something I would encounter again. I started walking with my keys between my fingers and never sharing a room with a boy I didn’t know well again.”
- Elizabeth
Age when sexually assaulted: 14
“In the months following my rape nothing changed in my life, mainly because it took a few months of me running the situation through my head to realize that I was in fact raped. I was struggling with that idea since I had been consenting when it started although I was very drunk at the time, and then I blacked out. The whole situation would probably be considered a rape because I was so drunk that I couldn’t consent, however I see it as the rape starting from when I have no memory due to blacking out. I do have some idea of what may have happened when I was blacked out since my next memory of the night is of him discussing with me what we had just done, I remember being very confused since I had no recollection of the events happening nor do I remember saying that it was okay to do those things to me. Once I realized that I had been raped I altered my behavior at parties, since I met my rapist at the Halloween tent party. I no longer separated from my friends, and I kept a close eye on how boys were behaving near our group. I also stopped drinking as much when going out when I wasn’t with a big group of girls, so as to not allow myself to get into a situation again where I black out and have no idea what had happened to my body.”
- Anonymous
Age when sexually assaulted: 18
This is an ongoing project.
Although this is a project that was done while I was at school, I feel as though it is too much of an important topic to just stop working on it. Therefore, I have decided to continue working on it for an undecided amount of time. I don’t know when I will decide to finish it, but I know it’s not now. If you have been sexually assaulted and/or raped and would like to have your story told, please do not hesitate to contact me. My instagram handle is somewhere on this page and I also have my email listed. Be sure to share this project with anyone who is willing to listen. Thank you to all of the survivors who decided to participate, I couldn’t have done it without you. Details to come for those who decide to contact me.